“How do I raise my dating standards Dr. Dar?”

This sounds like a total bizarre question, but let me explain.

I have standards but I never seem to stick to them. Going into a new/potential relationship, I always reaffirm in my head what my standards are. What I will and will not put up with. But my standards are not the same across the board. It’s like a form of hypocrisy for dating.

Here’s a prime example: I despise smokers. In my opinion, smoking is gross and the end result often times ends in long suffering. Different strokes for different folks, but I’d rather have my guy stick around a little longer if he can help it. Anyways, when I start dating, I automatically rule out any guy that smokes. But if I find out after we start dating that he does indeed smoke, I’ll make an exception to the rule. I figure, why lose what we’ve already built over one tiny rule?

Going into a new situation, I truly feel secure in what I believe in. But later, what I want and what I don’t want often collide. I just feel pressure to conform to whatever each guy is like in order to build up to a relationship.  Being single is hard and I tend to try and make it easier on myself by just “going along to get along”. Sacrificing my standards for what I believe is a right guy. When it comes to the deal breaker, very rarely will I break it. My standards have no standards. How do I raise the bar?

Dear Dating Standards Raiser,

Kudos to you for asking this clarifying question.  Words like values, dating standards, deal breakers, requirements, expectations, and making decisions around all these words can be quite confusing to navigate when it comes to dating to find love.

I am hearing that your standards are different from your deal breakers.  Here’s a shift for you!  Your standards should be = to your deal breakers which = your dating standards.  That way, there is no raising to do, no lowering to do, or not judgment call to make.  A deal breaker is a non-negotiable, unsolvable problem in a relationship, that if present, will never disappear, it will always be an issue.

Here is an example of a deal breaker:

You know you want to have children.  Your prospect/date does not want children.  Do not hold out that they will change their mind.  Do not think that just because you see how much fun they have playing with the nieces and nephews, that there is hope.  Instead have a very clear conversation followed by agreement.  A sample conversation would go something like this:

‘I see how you are so good around young children.  Do you see yourself being a father and having children of your own?’   If they say, heck no, now way.  You have your answer.

If they say I don’t know, I have never thought about it, that is a yellow flag.  If they have not thought about it, then you don’t need to be the reason they do start thinking about it.

Being 100% clear without any exceptions is key to sticking to your deal breakers and standards.